


Nadir

by carzla



Category: Code Geass
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Depressing, M/M, Star-crossed, Zero Requiem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-10
Updated: 2012-01-10
Packaged: 2017-10-29 08:20:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/317747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carzla/pseuds/carzla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was the last night that they would both be alive - one literally; the other figuratively. On this final night, they threw caution to the wind to just live, to live purely in this sacred moment, regardless of the consequences. Because. Because there never would be any more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nadir

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 2010. For people who are masochistic enough, I recommend listening to “Stories” from the Code Geass OST and putting it on repeat while reading.

It was foolhardy, extremely so, to enter the Emperor of Britannia’s private chambers in the dead of the night. Especially since it was _this_ close to Zero Requiem, the _eve_ of it. They both knew it.

But Lelouch hadn’t overtly forbidden it, and Suzaku couldn’t bring himself to care about the dangers of being spotted any longer.

(There wasn’t anything left in this world – or any other world, if they existed – that could harm them, except each other.)

No words were exchanged after Suzaku had slipped into Lelouch’s room silently, even though it wouldn’t have been unexpected for Lelouch to have some words of reprimand. Instead, they merely stared at each other for a moment. Then the next thing they knew, they had met in the middle of the large, opulent room, holding and kissing each other frantically. Desperation fueled their actions as their kiss deepened and grew frantic.

Clothes were swiftly discarded, the ease of removal made it clear that while it hadn’t been explicitly planned, it was apparent that they both had the same thoughts for tonight. Together, bare bodies entwined, all and any inhibition faded away. There was no longer any need for elaborate masks and clever deceit.

He could be Lelouch, not the evil, tyrant Emperor of Britannia.

He could be Suzaku, not the hated, traitorous Knight of Zero.

In the embrace of the silent night, they could be just Lelouch and Suzaku. They could discard all pretenses, suffocating names, _everything_ they didn’t need and never wanted, and let the truth come forth.

Best friends, archenemies and, perhaps, star-crossed lovers.

No words were spoken as they stumbled towards the king-sized canopy bed; their frenzied movements encapsulated all that needed to be said.

Over the past few weeks that led up to the impending climax of the Zero Requiem, they had both talked to each other about the past. Every night for close to two months, regardless of how tired he was from running Britannia’s vast empire and crushing futile resistance forces, Lelouch would always appear in Suzaku’s secluded room and they would talk.

It had been quite an uncomfortable experience at the beginning, although they had both agreed to do it, for they had to get used to being completely frank with each other on personal matters again. After such a long time of keeping secrets, keeping up pretenses and lying to each other… it hadn’t been an easy process. But once the wall had been breached and everything spilled forth, they could share with each other their thoughts and feelings about anything and everything.

About the happy memories of their childhood spent together.

About their lives after the war that separated them.

About the wonderful times they’d spent together at Ashford Academy.

Sometimes, though, they did more than just talk – amicably or not. Especially when the extremely unpleasant topics, inevitably, came up: the betrayals.

Euphemia’s death.

Suzaku selling Lelouch to Charles for promotion to become a Knight of Rounds.

Shirley’s death.

 _The_ Geass.

Both of them had left those encounters scathed, each sporting a fair amount of bruises and scrapes as they more often than not got physical with each other. Sometimes from purely fighting, when words could no longer express what they felt. Sometimes purely from sex, when they tried new methods to get the other to _shut up_ about things that they hadn’t wanted to, hadn’t been completely ready to hear and accept at the time.

Most times, however, they were from fighting that eventually turned into sex and that became another sort of battle altogether. But despite the violence in those encounters, in the end, they had both found forgiveness for each other and for their own guilt.

So, they had said almost all of what they wanted to each other in terms of confessions. There was really nothing much more that words could reveal about themselves to each other. At this moment, there was nobody who understood them better than each other.

Furthermore, speaking also required thinking, and there was nothing worse than thinking at this moment. Because any second that they spared to _think_ , the unpleasantness that always lurked beneath the surface would come forth once again.

Was there really no other way than murdering his most precious person at that said person’s behest?

 _(Why had he agreed to it in the first place? Had it really sounded like such a splendid plan that he could certainly execute? Where had his heart been then?)_

Was there really no other way than hurting his dearest person by making said person live on with the weight of his murder?

 _(Why had he even suggested it? Was it really worth it to make the closest one to him commit such a thing? Where had his heart gone then?)_

Was there really no possible, peaceful future where they could both live in?

Was there…?

(It was ironic, really, that they could accomplish anything and everything together… but they could _never_ spare each other. The only enemy that they couldn’t defeat was themselves.)

No, thinking about anything beyond the present was bad. Very bad. Astronomically bad. Right now, they just wanted nothing but to _feel_ … and to _forget._

There was no past, no future, only _here and now._

* * *

Suzaku’s lips trailed down the curve of Lelouch’s neck slowly ( _reverently_ ), leaving tingling butterfly kisses in their wake. Lelouch’s hands held tightly onto ( _clutched desperately_ ) Suzaku’s shoulders, gasping as each light kiss sent shivers of pleasure and desire through his body. They were caught between prolonging the moment – their last moment of happiness together – and finding absolute bliss in each other’s arms. For there would never be anyone else like the other for either of them after tomorrow.

Suzaku paused momentarily, when he reached the junction of Lelouch’s neck and shoulder, contemplating. He made a decision.

Lelouch jerked in shock, gasping sharply when he felt Suzaku bite down on his flesh – _hard_. It hurt, but at the same time, there was a distinct thrill in being marked in such a primal manner. It wasn’t as if they hadn’t been rough with each other before during sex, but most of the time, Suzaku had to be goaded into being forceful with him.

The change was refreshing, even though the reasons behind it were sobering. But for once, Lelouch forced himself not to think about it, not to think about anything else. He already knew why, and he didn’t want to dwell on it anymore.

Instead, he retaliated by raking his nails down Suzaku’s bare back with as much force as he could muster. Suzaku didn’t like to hurt others, but welcomed pain unto himself. Lelouch delighted in hearing the harsh groan that came from Suzaku’s lips and the uncontrolled shudder that went through the young man lying on top of him.

“…Lelouch,” the brunet growled warningly, his breath coming heavier than it had mere seconds earlier.

“You liked it.”

And so he did, Suzaku admitted to himself. If anything, he wanted Lelouch to inflict more pain on his physical body. Lately, it seemed that he couldn’t even begin to feel much of anything unless there was some kind of pain involved in it. Or Lelouch. The best-case scenario, however, would be some kind of combination of the two simultaneously.

He needed it. He needed it _desperately_ if he were to live through tonight and survive tomorrow – and the rest of his tomorrows – with his sanity intact.

Or what was left of it anyway, which had to be a pitiful amount. He was sure that agreeing to kill his best friend, and now lover, was something only the insane would agree to.

His punishment for committing such an atrocity (even if Lelouch said it wasn’t) would be to live on long after the deed was done.

And he would take it, even if there was a part of him that wanted to do nothing but turn the sword onto himself as soon as he’d killed Lelouch and join his lover in death – Geass command be damned.

Instead, Suzaku merely shifted his attention downwards. One hand trailed further down his lover’s body lightly, making his touch intentionally teasing. In sharp, deliberate contrast, his teeth made bruising marks on pale, silky skin, going steadily lower and lower. The feel of Lelouch shuddering and losing his sometimes-annoying, almost-perpetual eloquence to moans of pleasure was very satisfying.

He wanted to leave marks, deep bruising marks on skin. So many of them that Lelouch would still have them well into the afterlife. Besides, there wouldn’t be anyone performing an autopsy on his lover. The cause of death would be crystal clear to anyone watching.

Irrationally, he thought that it was quite a pity. A part of him wanted someone else to know that the 99th Emperor of Britannia had someone who truly loved him, regardless of the sins he had committed. No, it was _because_ of them, _because_ Lelouch dared to commit them, for the sake of the world.

God damn it, Lelouch was his, his, _his_. And it was sheer, blinding _agony_ to have to consciously let him go to Death.

 _Lelouch, I will be your Knight for eternity. You’ll always be mine._

The small part of Lelouch’s brain that was still capable of coherence idly wondered whether associating with Suzaku so intimately for the past few months had turned him partly into a masochist. The nips to his skin stung, but they left a tangy aftertaste of pleasure that was heightened by the juxtaposition of Suzaku’s gently questing fingers. The heady swirl of pain and pleasure was shredding his coherency to nothingness.

But they were the last few things that he had left to feel. Tonight was his last night alive. It was a chilling thought, though it was strange – but perhaps fitting – for him to really absorb and fully comprehend it right _now_ , with the very person he was going to make (no, _had ordered_ ) to kill him.

And he welcomed it, this final opportunity to be alive in the ways that mattered. He scratched roughly at Suzaku’s back again, tempted to move to be able to bite his lover, to mark him as he was doing to him. But that meant losing the exquisite contrast of pain and pleasure, so he refrained for now.

Lelouch’s back arched when Suzaku’s mouth latched onto an exposed nipple and began to suck, another hand coming to play with the other neglected one. He moaned at the double stimulation, as one of his hands left Suzaku’s back to thread through soft, chocolate-brown locks. It occurred to him hazily that that his lover seemed pretty intent on physically marking him tonight.

Just like how he’d left his mark on Suzaku with his Geass, with his wish for the other to live on. And it would be his punishment, for using the Geass, to be unable to see the future that he had so desired.

“Suza… Suzaku…” he said, his voice no louder than a breathless whisper.

It felt good, really good to say his Knight’s name. The way it rolled off his tongue so naturally, like the other’s name was just meant for him to say it. Especially in such an intimate setting. There would no longer be anyone who would say Suzaku’s name in such a manner. To the world at large, the Knight of Zero was dead and buried.

And that meant that Suzaku was entirely his, his, _his_. Even when Death claimed him, that fact would _never_ change.

 _Suzaku, you will be my only Knight for eternity. You’ll forever be mine._

“Lelouch…” Suzaku murmured, lifting his head to watch the expressions play across his lover’s face.

He finally allowed his questing fingers to reach their destination, and he grasped Lelouch firmly before beginning to stroke. The lithely built young man was breathtaking when he was caught in the throes of passion, his lips parted as he moaned and gasped from pleasure, a beguiling blush on his cheeks. But most prominently, to Suzaku, were Lelouch’s _eyes_.

Brilliant amethyst eyes were locked onto his own, and he couldn’t pull his gaze away even if his life depended on it. There was desire in them, but most importantly, a deep well of love that made him want to drown in it until the end of time.

And Suzaku was going to imprint all of this, all of Lelouch’s expressions firmly into his mind.

Time would never be able to rob him of Lelouch.

Even until the day he died, until the day that not even the Geass could lord over the natural limitations of his human body to make him continue to live on… He would remember. And with his memories, in the afterlife, he would search and search for Lelouch until he found him again.

This time round, he pledged, he vowed, he swore to his soul, that he would _never_ let go of Lelouch again.

The sensations coursing through his body from Suzaku’s ministrations were wrecking delightful havoc with his nerves, and he couldn’t even begin to control the moans that issued from his lips nor the instinctive parting of his legs to accommodate his lover. What he did manage to make himself do was to not close his eyes. He kept them locked onto Suzaku’s emerald ones, watching them darken into mesmerizing verdant pools of lust and love and seeking to imprint every aspect of his lover into his mind.

It was a wonder that he still had those emerald eyes looking down at him with love after everything that he had done. But he was more than glad that they could still hold so much love for him. Suzaku was probably the only thing that kept him going when his own convictions that what he was doing was _right_ sometimes seemed to fall so flat when facing the world that currently – and probably always would – hated him.

He didn’t quite believe in heaven or hell, or even an afterlife in general. But if there were really one, then he would stay there and wait with the memory of Suzaku’s gentle eyes. Wait for the day, and it would be a long wait because he wouldn’t want it any other way, when Suzaku would find him again.

When that day came, he pledged, he vowed, he swore to his soul, that he would let _nothing_ come between him and Suzaku again.

They had transformed the world, given it a better tomorrow. A permanent reunion, belated and long overdue as it would certainly be, wasn’t too much to ask. Right?

“Suzaku… please…”

“As you wish.”

He placed two of his fingers before Lelouch’s lips, watching as they immediately parted to lick and suck on his fingers. All the while, their gaze never wavered from each other even when Lelouch’s eyes became half-lidded with increasing desire as he sucked and swirled his tongue around Suzaku’s fingers.

When Lelouch released his fingers, he leaned forward to claim those lips with his own. The older boy’s lips parted immediately and their tongues met in a sensual, yet desperate dance. Only then did they allow their eyes to close, and to _feel_. As they kissed, he moved his wet fingers down until he reached Lelouch’s entrance.

Feeling the gentle circling of Suzaku’s fingers, Lelouch consciously relaxed his body to make it easier for both himself and Suzaku. He moaned into their kiss as Suzaku carefully inserted his fingers into his ass to prepare him. The feeling was still a little weird initially, but he was soon accustomed to it and began grinding down on those fingers that were stretching him, wanting Suzaku to speed up.

Then he had to tear his mouth away from Suzaku’s as he back arched and a loud, helpless moan tore free from his throat when the brunet found his prostrate. “AH! Suza-!”

Suzaku concentrated on stimulating Lelouch’s prostrate for a few long eternities, until Lelouch was sure he was going to go mindless – and hoarse – from pleasure overdose very soon. The only other thing he could do was to dig his nails into Suzaku’s back hard enough to break skin. It came both as a relief and yet not when the fingers finally withdrew.

“Lelouch,” Suzaku murmured, green eyes asking for silent permission.

He nodded. Then he felt a blunt pressure at his entrance, before Suzaku pushed in carefully until he was fully seated in Lelouch. They stayed unmoving, merely gazing into each other’s eyes for a long moment. Then Lelouch undulated his hips, a sign to make Suzaku _move_. His lover’s lips quirked up slightly in amusement and then he began to thrust, starting slow and building up to a faster, harder rhythm. Their lips found each other again as they indulged in this last act of love, eyes steadfastly locked onto each other.

Lelouch found that despite the pleasure he was feeling, his vision was blurred by tears that were slowly beginning to overflow. But he couldn’t stop them, nor could he close his eyes to will them away.

He didn’t want to lose sight of Suzaku, even if it meant Suzaku seeing him cry.

Suzaku felt warm wetness against his cheeks, and knowing from his already-blurred vision that the tears that he’d been trying to hold back had finally flowed. He wished he could stop them.

But he wouldn’t lose sight of Lelouch now, even if it meant Lelouch seeing his tears.

“ _Aishiteiru._ ”

And he did. Despite everything, _because_ of everything that had happened, he had fallen in love with Lelouch all over again…

“ _I love you too._ ”

And so he did. After everything, _because_ of all those things, he had fallen in love with Suzaku all over again…

They spent their night in each other’s arms, both wishing that Time would stop and preserve them in this precious moment. They moved with each other as if there were no tomorrow. Yet, in their case, it was literally the truth.

Tomorrow, Lelouch vi Britannia would be assassinated.

Tomorrow, Kururugi Suzaku would honestly be dead.

Tomorrow…

…

…they would both cease to be.

* * *

  
_“This is also a punishment for you… You will be the defender of justice and wear a mask forever… You will no longer be able to live as Kururugi Suzaku… You will sacrifice all of your happiness for the world… eternally…”_

 _“I accept… that Geass…”_


End file.
